Podcast Episode 190

with our guest Coaches Commonplace Book

Coaches Commonplace Book #5

190.CCB5_Final_Audio.mp3

Dean Miles [00:00:00] This gap between regular training and fight level training means you think about coaches to what level of discipline, to what level of commitment, to what level of taking on the pain necessary are we really doing?

Brilliant Miller [00:00:28] Okay. Coaches, commonplace book. Dean. Good to be with you.

Dean Miles [00:00:32] Brilliant. Miller. Always a pleasure.

Brilliant Miller [00:00:35] So, Dean, before we started recording here, I was asking you about the cool background that you’ve designed for yourself. There I said, it looks like you’ve got a great new designer to help you spruce up your space. What’s going on?

Dean Miles [00:00:48] Yes. Full disclosure. Green screen. Oh, look, my highlander is appeared in green screen. It’s magic. Oh, I am always using the blurry background for a while, and I’m like, okay, listen, I can’t go into 2023 with a continuation of this blurred thing. So I thought I found something new. Canva and I. I told my kids, this thing is amazing. You can. I mean, even I old man me can do some amazing things here. And my kids are like, Dad, we’ve been using this for, like, six years now. Just like what nobody told me. Yeah. So, I mean, so we’re able to take our logo. Yeah, my microphone just showed up. I’m sure I did that. Top ten. Remember to smile. But.

Brilliant Miller [00:01:33] But it’s a real coach. Books. Those have got to be real. They’re.

Dean Miles [00:01:39] No, it’s not real. Now, pick my brain. I don’t want to talk about that when you. When you’re ready.

Brilliant Miller [00:01:44] Tell me about that. So pick my brain. I was reading that over your shoulder.

Dean Miles [00:01:48] By this brain dot world. If you’re listening to this hit, pause. Go dial this thing up. Something. Words, go click it. Pick my brain, that world. MAXINE Cunningham is the founder, creator of this site and just has this vision. For how easy can we make it to share knowledge? So I think about the Kauffman Foundation has the million cups with the idea of every Wednesday you could be at any major city at 8 a.m. and go have a cup of coffee and bring in entrepreneurs and solution based individuals with those that want to invest. Because the Kauffman Foundation believes that’s how we make the world better. Yeah.

Brilliant Miller [00:02:35] Go ahead. By the way, just a jump in on that. I remember reading when I read the Steve Jobs biography by Walter Isaacson. When I got to the part about when Jobs at Pixar or yes, the whole thing happened that they were looking at redesigning the offices. And he got really hands on in the layout because he knew that if he could create a space that would encourage these random connections between people in different departments, that it would benefit the company overall. So yeah, what you’re seeing here is whether it’s in the world, whether it’s in an organization, whether it’s something we could do in our own home, bumping into, you know, maybe our kids a little more often that these kind of connections strengthen the strength in our lives, right?

Dean Miles [00:03:14] Yes. And I love the language that Maxine has chosen here. I’ve picked my brain. I don’t know something about that, just the way that imagery resonated with me. And so you sign up. Thousands already have, maybe even tens of thousands. And the site’s getting better of you can pick very, very specifically what you’re looking for. My suggestion was how cool would it be to have like a Spotify playlist of people like I Want to Fall Pumpkin Spice, kind of a feel of people that I wanted to go pick their brains and so let didn’t pull out a top ten list. So whether I wanna do that over the course of the amount of the course of a year. Let me ask my father’s playlist. So last night, the first brain I’ve picked, my brain’s been picked three times. I loved it. I picked this woman’s brain. She’s the first Iranian woman to win the world championship in kickboxing. And for 30 minutes I have access to her to pick her brain. And I’m asking her all kinds of questions about that level of discipline and winners want to win. And what’s your relationship to not winning? Yeah, go ahead.

Brilliant Miller [00:04:26] Why did you pick her like and how much do you see about a person? Do you see their name and their credentials or like what do you see and how and why did you choose her?

Dean Miles [00:04:33] Yeah. So each individual creates their own biography and some of them are just very, very academic and some are just very silly and more of a playful side. There was something about her and her bio and these pictures that she has. You’re just intrigued to. I’ve got to know the story because she talks about when she first started training in Iran, she had to wear the full clothing, the hijab, and, I mean, fully covered while doing kickboxing and the. And so women in that culture, I’m not an expert there, but really have lower value. And just because she’s constantly being told, you can’t do this, you can’t do this, you can’t do this. And not only did she do it, she won the world championship. Wow. So I wanted to talk to her. And so one of the phrases that she that she said and I’ll never forget just how far off regular training is from fight training. So I know somebody lost their rider part time and I’m ready for the Tour de France. Right. Or I have I’ve I walked my neighborhood. I’m clearly ready for. Something in the Olympics. This gap between regular training and fight level training means you think about coaches to what level of discipline, to what level of commitment, to what level of taking on the pain necessary. Are we really doing it? So you should talk about how bruised her leg was, and yet her coach then had her do 500 more leg kicks. Wow. That’s fight level training. Fascinating. Pick my brain, that world. Unbelievable. People that have made themselves available. For free. It helps your knowledge media content.

Brilliant Miller [00:06:23] That’s really cool. That thing too, that you’re saying about regular training versus high level training. Immediately where my mind went was then to fighting, right? Because I’ll bet there’s another it’s another experience again. And in some way, although we can differ our training from just going through the motions and quote unquote regular training to fight level training, that in some ways you can’t really recreate the experience of a fight. It’s just you’re then you’re in it. But yeah.

Dean Miles [00:06:51] That’s what you get once you get once you get hit right there, the tendency is to lose all that training in that moment. But that’s and she talked about that of how to get to that fight level training. You have to have that level of testing that you really have to be hit. You had to be put in the most uncomfortable of situations so that you know and trust that you can get yourself back out of that. But by but that’s what I’ve been diving into since we last talk and those types of things. Right. What about you?

Brilliant Miller [00:07:25] What about you?

Dean Miles [00:07:25] So I know this.

Brilliant Miller [00:07:28] Beginning portion of these coaches, commonplace books, we usually talk about what we’ve termed our information diet. What are we consuming? What have we been taking in? One. One thing I’ll just say here I finally got with the rest of the world, and I saw Top Gun Maverick. I didn’t realize it actually had left theaters and then came back. So I dusted in IMAX.

Dean Miles [00:07:49] Yeah. Nice work.

Brilliant Miller [00:07:50] So I did see that. And I think it’s the perfect Hollywood film, isn’t it? Did you see it?

Dean Miles [00:07:56] Oh, yeah, I cried.

Brilliant Miller [00:07:58] Yeah. The perfect, perfect Hollywood film. So anyway, that was part of my information. I don’t know where that came from. It wasn’t one of the things I wrote down to share with you what I’ve got. And the first thing, by the way, I know in these conversations we’d like to have a little bit of structure beyond just what have we been consuming and even how has it been blessing our lives and improving their lives. But also toward the end, sharing something that can help us to live a good life. Something that can help us as coaches to earn recognition and money and something that can help us to be a great coach would be more effective. So the first thing in my in my info diet is actually I’m going to jump ahead to the thing that I think can help us to live our lives well, to live a good life. And it’s what I’ve not been consuming. Somebody along my learning journey had introduced me to the concept of not doing now list right. And so much personal growth is about doing more. It’s about these tricks and these hacks and these, you know, routines and systems and processes and practices and others that we just add. And we layer, we layer and we layer it. It can become really, really stressful. And someone introduced me to this idea of, yeah, maybe there’s a time and a place for that to be sure. But what about the stuff that you’re consciously cutting out? What about something to create space in your life, whether it’s for rest, whether it’s for reflection, whether it’s, you know, for some other kind of growth to appear. But I actually follow that now of I’m not doing now this. So I have this about five or six things on it. And from time to time, I have to I have to revisit it. I get to revisit it and look at what are the things that I committed to myself that I’m not doing now that I’m actually doing now.

Dean Miles [00:09:38] Yeah. Give us an example.

Brilliant Miller [00:09:39] The top one is scrolling social media or online news mindlessly. And I don’t know about you, but I. I have I actually really like Google News. I like that it curates things that I find interesting.

Dean Miles [00:09:55] Yeah.

Brilliant Miller [00:09:55] And I would find that in moments throughout each day. I’ll bet if you and I’m sure I could go use an app and calculate this, but most probably using 30 minutes a day in little pockets, minute here, 30 minutes there. It would just be kind of like a mindless go to if I was waiting for my daughter to finish brushing your teeth or. Right when I woke up in the morning. Or sometimes even if I was in the car waiting for the light to turn green, like. I mean, that’s how ridiculous it was.

Dean Miles [00:10:23] Now, did you fill it with something else mindless?

Brilliant Miller [00:10:26] No, I. What I will do now, over the last couple of weeks since I revisited and recommitted to what was on my not doing list, is I would be aware of the impulse to check that. Mm hmm. And then I would consciously be present. I would either tune into my breath, or I would notice something in my environment, or I would repeat some kind of a mantra or had to look.

Dean Miles [00:10:48] And make sure that I like that.

Brilliant Miller [00:10:51] And I felt I felt more peace. I realized, you know, there is no real finish line in life. I mean, we die eventually, but this thing.

Dean Miles [00:10:58] So it’s not like.

Brilliant Miller [00:10:59] The answer, but it’s been it’s been a great practice over the last couple of weeks.

Dean Miles [00:11:03] Have you found yourself disappointed now that you’ve come to realize how often the brilliant Miller has been mindlessly scrolling? No.

Brilliant Miller [00:11:16] Not at all. I, I really do have this belief that we’re just these sophisticated organisms, maybe not all that sophisticated, you know, with this evolutionary and biological heritage. And there are definitely parts to us. There’s these different parts of our body. Maybe there’s our spirit, there’s our mind, this kind of thing. And more and more I have cultivated that the witness attitude or the observer, right? And what I attempt to do with that is compassion and just noticing. And it’s like, Oh, there it is again. There’s that tendency just like, Oh, I’m hungry, I’m thirsty, whatever.

Dean Miles [00:11:51] Yeah, brilliant. I’ll tell you what. You’re so consistent. In how serious you can be. In observational and to be a witness and at the same time be so kind to yourself and be so kind to others, not in a media type of a way, but in just in this paradoxical type of a. This is meaningful and I will stop doing that. And yet when you find yourself doing what you said you wouldn’t do. You’re kind to yourself. Yeah. Nice work on that.

Brilliant Miller [00:12:29] Well, I appreciate you saying that. And I realize, you know, all human behavior really does seem to be a series of patterns. And there’s the patterns we like and the patterns we don’t like and the ones that work for us and the ones that don’t and some that do until they don’t. And you know, and I’ve done this before, like I was remembering I went through this media diet, this news diet years, couple of years ago. And I just figured if something important happens, someone else will tell me, which is maybe a good thing. But I’ll always.

Dean Miles [00:12:59] Remember.

Brilliant Miller [00:13:00] Because that was when Tiger Woods got in a crash or something and he was so hurt or something. And people were talking about and it happened like the day before. I’m like, Oh, I haven’t even heard about that. And people are like, Where have you been? But anyway, how much do I need to know about the Kardashians or what’s going on with my mask?

Dean Miles [00:13:16] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now I’m with you on that. I think that’s where your look does play in your advantage. Like, maybe he did just crawl out of a rock. Yeah.

Brilliant Miller [00:13:26] It’s serious. So that’s part of it. That’s part of what’s been in my media diet or what I’ve been consuming. And then the other things I have, I’m looking around because I don’t usually carry physical books around with me. But this one from the Core by John Weiland was that subtitle A New Masculine Paradigm for Leading With Love, Living Your Truth and Healing the World. It’s that kind of blur, isn’t it?

Dean Miles [00:13:51] Yeah. Masculine. Okay. No.

Brilliant Miller [00:13:55] I think he’s an amazing teacher. I really a profound teacher. He was. This book is something he’s just recently published. But my wife signed me up for a workshop with him a couple of years ago, and he it was in it was in L.A. and we went there and it was sold out was I think he kept it at 50 people, but people had come from literally around the world. And it was an expensive workshop and it was intense. It was like three days. And I’m like, Who is this guy? He doesn’t have a podcast. He doesn’t have a TV show, he doesn’t have a book. I haven’t seen him on the Internet like a YouTube channel. Like it was literally just word of mouth. We’re selling out these programs and about, you know, spiritual intimacy and embodied masculinity and divine feminine work and things like this. And this workshop we did was over the it was actually over the Valentine’s Day weekend, which is really appropriate. But I took away so much that has helped me to be more patient, I think in kind and loving in my marriage than I probably would have otherwise been. And I’m so glad that John has finally published his book.

Dean Miles [00:15:02] Yeah, I don’t even want to look at that. The word I mean, I resonated. That’s not the right word. I triggered to the word masculinity.

Brilliant Miller [00:15:10] Oh, really? Tell me about.

Dean Miles [00:15:11] That. No, no, in a good way. I have positive relationships to that word, but I would say the last 18 months, we’ve just kind of the bombarded with masculine toxicity, what have you what have you learned? Just as a man, as a business owner, as a male coach, how are you mindful of masculinity and when winter lean and that wind and not leaning into that. Does that change when you’re in a different crowd or with more a feminine energy? What have you learned? Yeah, some.

Brilliant Miller [00:15:45] Of what I’ve learned and John is quick to acknowledge, you know, he was a student of David to the way of the superior man for more than ten years. Study very closely with him. And so he draws a lot of his thought from his work and others and his own life and experiences, so forth. But one of the things that John teaches that I find really valuable is he’ll talk about the masculine as that which masculinity as consciousness and that which craves freedom, that ultimately that’s what its core yearning is for. And even to back up half a step that this does not necessarily correspond with male and female, right? Masculine and feminine, although we often tend to think it does. Yeah, we do. Each of us has both within us and what we’re ultimately looking for if we’re going to be happy and healthy and fulfilled as a balance, some kind of a balance, or at least an awareness and an honoring of those energies within us and then within our relationship. So there’s an aspect to this that’s almost mystical or elemental and obvious, but I think I think that’s true. And when he says then that the masculine is essential, yearning is for freedom. And that’s where anything that will impinge on a masculine oriented being on their sense of freedom is going to feel frustrating, sometimes irritating. You know.

Dean Miles [00:17:04] This freedom, not CNN’s with selfishness.

Brilliant Miller [00:17:08] Yeah, not. Not with selfishness, per se. So that’s the masculine orientation and the feminine is of love is ultimately. So this there’s really, I think a beautiful concept of the masculine is that which creates space and structure and the feminine is that which fills it, and that a feminine energy is not just about love, but it’s also about flow and about movement and about the kinetic aspects of, okay, you have something defined, you have an evening and the masculine brings structure to it. It’s a time, it’s a start, it’s an end. And then the feminine aspect of ourselves or perhaps of our partner fills that with something. So again, it can sound a little esoteric right off, but John talks about these things in ways.

Dean Miles [00:17:56] That in the book.

Brilliant Miller [00:17:57] Yeah, it’s in the book.

Dean Miles [00:17:58] So I’m going to get it.

Brilliant Miller [00:18:01] Okay. If you get I’d love to talk to you about it and see what your what your thoughts are and what you apply. I will tell you this one thing that really has deepened the quality of my relationship with my wife and John taught me when we did that we can seminar was he would say look the feminine is always testing the masculine partly because it’s looking to know that the masculine is trustworthy. It’s not just the masculine creates the structure, but there’s also it’s there’s an expectation, particularly from the feminine, that the masculine has an integrity to that structure that I’ll be home when I say I will, that I’m with who I’m with and I’m doing the things I call this, that there’s a truthfulness to all of that. And so then what John said is, look, if you find yourself being tested, being challenged, being questioned by a feminine partner, it’s not that she’s necessarily it’s not nagging. It’s not, you know, even complaining. It’s not demanding. I mean, you could experience it that way and many of us do.

Dean Miles [00:19:01] Sure, sure.

Brilliant Miller [00:19:02] But the feminine is actually showing you what the world wants from you. What the world wants from you.

Dean Miles [00:19:07] Like that? Yeah, it’s confirming. It’s clarifying. It’s connecting. It’s communicating. Yeah.

Brilliant Miller [00:19:13] Is it more like this? Is it more tenderness or is it more truth? Is it, you know, more vulnerability like. And to see that and not just go, oh, well, this one person is doing this thing and then is this kind of person, but instead it’s calling me to an awareness of where I lack integrity or where, you know, I’m maybe not as grounded as I could be or as conscious as I could be.

Dean Miles [00:19:36] So I think that both to me, the right timing. We just chopped up our last youngest child at college and now empty nesters. And that could be a nice reminder refreshed of. Can you setting the tone in a new reality? I like to write another way to look at our core. What’s the title of the book, Remind Me.

Brilliant Miller [00:19:58] No, it’s from the court. From the court.

Dean Miles [00:20:00] The Court. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Good.

Brilliant Miller [00:20:04] So that and then I’ve been reading I’ve been reading a couple of books written by a guy named David Academy, but he’s written a couple of books about creativity. And I mean, really, I think they’re about living well, but it’s about expressing our truth. So he’s written one called The Art of the Heart to start. Stop procrastinating and start creating. Getting Art Done. That’s the subtitle of that one.

Dean Miles [00:20:28] I like that.

Brilliant Miller [00:20:29] And then his next book and he has a podcast called Love Your Work. That. I’ve listened to a few episodes now and I’m really. First of all, I’m amazed at podcasts. Here we are recording a podcast. But first of all, like how amazing it is that all these people who have these interests or these talents are out there producing these podcasts and putting them into the world. And they’re most of them are free. A lot of them are actually really high quality. David’s is one that’s very thoughtful, like it’s evident to me. He puts a lot of himself into it and I had never heard of him before. I invited him to be on my show a few weeks ago, but I’m really glad I discovered him and his most recent book, Mind Management and Not Time Management. Productivity When Creative Creativity Matters. Getting Art Done. I’ve loved this book. And in this book he talks about how basically the lies we tell ourselves that prevent us from bringing our art into the world and how we can think more effectively to overcome those impediments to sharing our work.

Dean Miles [00:21:34] Here’s why I’m smiling. So my article today is from September Psychology Today, and it’s titled Six Signs You’re lying to yourself about how to recognize when your confidence is covering up your self-deception.

Brilliant Miller [00:21:52] How perfect and what a great segway. Look at that. So let’s go to the to the wisdom of the pages.

Dean Miles [00:22:00] Yeah. So, Evan Parks, doctorate of psychiatry. Specializes in pain rehabilitation. So six signs you’re lying to yourself how to recognize when your confidence is covering up your self-deception. I’m still curious because I still haven’t. Scroll down.

Brilliant Miller [00:22:22] So you haven’t even ran out for that?

Dean Miles [00:22:24] No.

Brilliant Miller [00:22:25] Okay. So what’s your take on this? How can you know when you’re lying to yourself?

Dean Miles [00:22:29] Yeah. So I had lunch with my wife, and so she participated in this. So the first thing that kind of came to mind is, you know, how would you know? Six signs. Ask your spouse and your friends and sometimes you don’t even have to ask. Sometimes I’ll just tell you. Yeah. Where you’re where your confidence is covering up your self-deception. I’m like, Really? One more time, yet again, you’re going to make this promise. And that one that came to mind. The other one is the mirror. So if you’re if you’re making things around health related or diets or string. I mean, if you look in the mirror. And the mirror reveals a full length mirror and end and reveal that birthday suit. The lie is staring is staring right back at you. The other one we looked at is being busy versus being productive. Could be a sign that you’re lying to yourself, that your confidence is covering up your self-deception. The fourth one is excuses. Or blame shifting. So there’s always this reason why, you know, I wanted to, but this happened and that happened. And it’s not. It’s not my fault. Mm hmm. That would be the fifth one. And the sixth one is your bank account.

Brilliant Miller [00:24:09] Say more.

Dean Miles [00:24:13] There’s just this idea of being an entrepreneur, of being a hustler, having side gigs, or if you’re listening to this podcast, you might have a mindset of, I want to I want to start coaching and you’ve got all of this self-confidence. But the bank account is empty or negative. And so at some point, there’s in some way that you’re lying to yourself, you know. And so the evidence is you’re not generating income, right? You’re reading all the books and you create a website and you have a podcast and you have a business card and you’ve got all these things and you don’t have a client. And so I think there’s this that go back to what that Iranian and world champion boxer was talking about. You might not be training at a fight and a fight level. Fight level yet. What do you think? What comes to your mind with six signs of are you lying to yourself?

Brilliant Miller [00:25:11] That’s interesting. You know, on that last point that you mentioned about, like check your bank account, kind of check the scoreboard. CFD events is congruent with the story you’re telling yourself, and this is one that I actually think about a lot. You know, I can’t think about so many kind of digress for just a moment. I mean, it’s still on this topic, but I’ll think I’ll ask this question a lot about was Michael Jordan a champion before he ever won a championship?

Dean Miles [00:25:39] Mm hmm.

Brilliant Miller [00:25:40] And, you know, in a literal sense, no, he didn’t have you couldn’t look him up on Wikipedia to see how many back then. Wikipedia didn’t exist, but he wasn’t listed champion. You know, there were no gold. There were no gold medals. There were no, you know, NBA finals trophies. There was no a Hall of Fame induction. There was nothing to indicate there was no hardware to show that Michael Jordan was a champion. But in another way. You could be darn sure that the story he was telling himself was that he was a champion, and it’s part of the persona that he embodied. That was what he believed in to us, what he proved to the world. Right. Right. So and I’m reminded of this because David Carradine, he actually talks about this Evel Knievel. He said that Evel Knievel would tell and I never had a chance to hear this. I’ve never heard this before. I read it in David’s book, but he said that every time he met Evel Knievel met someone, he would tell them, like right up front, I’m going to jump in the Grand Canyon. And guess what? He never did. He jumped at busses and stadiums and other things. But it was this fact that he let this dream guide him. Mm hmm. So it’s kind of interesting to me that there is an interesting balance between, like, living the lie and living a dream that hasn’t happened yet. Living into a future that hasn’t come to pass.

Dean Miles [00:26:53] Well, I like your I like your distinction there, but my mind goes to that. But that’s not living the lot. I think they were doing all of the behaviors, the leading indicators that for all intents and purposes, should lead to that level of accomplishment. Yeah. Yeah. And I think the key words here is that your confidence is covering up self-deception. So if I had the same dream as Michael Jordan, there’s a lot of self-deception because I just don’t have the ability to even begin with. I could give my best effort and I’m not going to be able to dunk this basketball. Yeah. And for self-deception, that’s the lie.

Brilliant Miller [00:27:41] Yeah, that that’s true. And this whole conversation, too, makes me think about this saying by the philosopher and mathematician Bertrand Russell, who said the whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people are so full of doubts.

Dean Miles [00:27:59] Yeah.

Brilliant Miller [00:28:00] So how do we know when we’re being one of those fools or fanatics that’s so full of confidence? And for me, you know, like, I’ll go back to a very mystical level. I think it’s mystical about, if you can say it, it’s not true. And if you can think it, it’s not true. And even if you can find evidence and even if you can find agreement with other people, the whole world, even if the whole world believes something and it’s not accurate, it doesn’t make it true.

Dean Miles [00:28:26] That’s right.

Brilliant Miller [00:28:27] And it’s possible that the whole world believes something that’s false. We have for a long time, as you know, the history of science tells us that.

Dean Miles [00:28:33] Yes.

Brilliant Miller [00:28:34] Yes. So the thing for me then is that there’s a liberation in that of saying, look, nothing I believe is true, like literally nothing. I don’t even know how to know what the truth is. I don’t know how to discern reality with these five senses in my intellect. I literally don’t know how. Then what that opens up is I go, Look, whether I believe I’m the greatest in the world or I believe I’m a pile of dirt. Neither one of those is true. So then the question isn’t, is what I’m believing true is what I’m believing empowering me? Is it serving me to be the person I want to be, to live the life I want to live, to make the contribution that I want to make? So I kind of I guess that’s maybe almost sidestepping or spiritually bypassing the entire question.

Dean Miles [00:29:11] Oh, I think you just validated it because I couldn’t follow up and then say, okay, brilliant. I’m following your argument here in attendance that you would put in place. What signs would you look for that what you are saying that would be a good thing or in fact, a good thing that you are making a difference? What would be the sound you’d be looking for? So just to read in that in the reverse, six signs that you tell yourself the truth. Hmm.

Brilliant Miller [00:29:42] And that then to me, it goes to physiology. What am I feeling in my body when I see something? When I think about something, when I move towards something physically or a person, am I feeling tension or am I feeling trepidation or my feeling tightness or openness? Is there a relaxation and a sense of expansion or am I feeling contraction? Right. And to me, that’s where the body mind the body and the mind together, looking, checking in with am I on course? Like, is this my path? Is this true? Is this my truth, so to speak? And am I feeling peace and relaxation? And then I’m reminded, I just want to share this brief story. I have a client and a friend who signed up with a coaching program I did a few years ago. And when I asked him at the outset how, you know, this worked for you, what do you want to get out of it? And how will you know it worked? And he said, I will know my purpose. And this was a successful entrepreneur. He’d already had an exit. He was running another company. He had all the freedom and the resources to go do what he wanted to in the world, but he didn’t have a sense of purpose. And so he signed up because he wanted to find his purpose and he did the course. I didn’t talk to him for more than a year. He came to an event I hosted and I saw him and I said, I’ve been thinking about you and I wonder, what’s your sense of purpose now? And he said, Oh, yeah, I don’t really think about it a lot anymore, but I do feel more peace. And I went.

Dean Miles [00:31:05] Yes, yeah, success.

Brilliant Miller [00:31:07] Yeah. Right. And how often we enter one, like we enter into one effort thinking we want one thing, but we’re really trying to get something else. Yeah. So to me, this whole thing about listening, like, what is it? Are we feeling more peace at the end of the day or are we again? Are we feeling frustrated, we’re feeling anxious, are we feeling drained and burned out? That, to me, is a sign that we’re. What is it? What did you ask? Like living the truth?

Dean Miles [00:31:32] Yeah. Yeah. Scientist You’re living the truth versus science that you’re lying to yourself. Their confidence is overreaching or covering yourself deception. Well, I think about something that Maurice Goldsmith, our friend, says are these three questions of Is what you’re doing having a positive impact on people? And a lot of the people that you and I know would say yes. His next question is, if you were to do that and do more of that, would that make you uncomfortable or to tell people what you’re doing? Would that make you uncomfortable? And a lot of us say, yes. He’s like, So what’s more important, you helping and doing more for people? Or you’re feeling a comfort. I think a lot of them want to say, well, it’s better for me to go help people. It may not be the case, though. I mean, because I mean, you’re saying if this is causing me to not have peace and this is causing me to be uncomfortable, is there a moral obligation for me to go and do more?

Brilliant Miller [00:32:44] Yeah. And even that is it’s so individual, right? Because we’ve all heard the saying like life begins at the end of your comfort zone and growth occurs where your comfort ends and stuff like that. And I think and find your edge and lean into it and stuff. And I think there’s wisdom in that to agree. But if it’s then causing like mental health issues, you because you’re so far outside or it’s really not you. So again, we all get to answer that question ourselves.

Dean Miles [00:33:10] You know, that’s really, really good. Yeah. I’ve had the ability to coach Olympic athletes and to talk to them after they have achieved. They’re devastated. They’re so disappointed because all of this effort to achieve this thing now, they’ve achieved that and then realized, I don’t know of this level of sacrifice was worth this. I mean, everything going back to that mental health aspect as maybe a sign to look for. Now they’re proud of what they’ve accomplished, but boy, there was a higher cost than they were anticipating. And then that great western disease of I’ll be happy when. Yeah so that re up with that next unbelievable unattainable thing to go do that to find your purpose. Yeah. Great conversation.

Brilliant Miller [00:34:00] Yeah. So what does the author of this article say?

Dean Miles [00:34:03] Yeah. Almost ready to transition to yours. All right, let’s scroll down. So how to spot self-deception? Oh, this is interesting, too. The first one is the weather cancels your plans. I wanted to be to see your face when I see that.

Brilliant Miller [00:34:23] I love that.

Dean Miles [00:34:24] So. So are. So what does she mean by that or what does he mean by this? So when you take a stand for something truly important, but a little bit of rain is not and a little bit of rain is not going to stop you. Neither will the heat. Cold snow is kind of, I guess, the mailman. You’re lying to yourself and plane is going to be canceled by something that’s just mildly inconvenient, like the weather. And yeah, that’s.

Brilliant Miller [00:34:49] I’ve heard Father Gregory Boyle, the guy that started Homeboy Industries and works with, you know, formerly incarcerated people in California. He refers to this as a no matter what mass.

Dean Miles [00:34:59] Hmm.

Brilliant Miller [00:35:00] Cultivating that that sense. And, you know, ultimately, it’s it’s a will. It’s a determination. A self determination. So. Right. I think that’s really interesting to be able to look outside ourselves and see if there’s something in the environment that we’re then using as an as an excuse to escape. That’s pretty interesting.

Dean Miles [00:35:18] Yeah. Yeah. Know the weather. The second one, you have no plan. He says this should be obvious, but it’s often not. I mean, so you have this idea of losing weight or getting in shape or writing a book or starting a business. And we don’t have a plan. There’s nothing written down whatsoever. You might be lying to yourself.

Brilliant Miller [00:35:37] You know, that’s actually very profound because, you know, where my mind goes with that is actually to suicide write. And people who are trained working with people who are suicidal. You know, the question they’re they they’re trained to ask is what’s your plan? And when somebody says, well, at 5:00 tonight, I would go stand in front of a train or whatever. It’s like I mean, it was pretty serious, the fact it ended the conversation. But that. Yes. What’s your plan?

Dean Miles [00:36:03] That’s good.

Brilliant Miller [00:36:04] It’s a great.

Dean Miles [00:36:05] Reminder. That’s a great reminder. Third one, you don’t really know you yourself. So do you know what kind of stories your mind is telling about you and who you are? So we need to catch these automatic thoughts and focus our attention on the person we need to become the direction we want to get. So, yeah. What did you hear in that?

Brilliant Miller [00:36:31] In that? I just think not none of us know ourselves. You know, if we’re honest, we might know some of our habits and tendencies and preferences and so forth. But I do think about the Maslow Abraham Maslow quote about we can step back into safety or forward toward growth. Like in any moment we have two choices. And growth must be chosen again and again. And fear must be again and again.

Dean Miles [00:36:56] Right. Yeah. What I what I hear in that of not knowing yourself is the negative talk of, well, I always or I always feel when I make a plan or I never do this or I always cheat that self-talk as opposed to changing this. To the idea of yeah, I’m not good at this. Well, yet. Right. To leave it open for. Cause you can be tell yourself a lie that you can’t do it and that you have these struggles and you have to protect your ego. But the fourth one you have, you have a weak choice muscle. So if you had a choice between one donut now and two donuts much later, would you pick the donuts in front of you every time? Oh, this is back to the. The marshmallow test, the delayed gratification. So you just you’re not you’re not making good choices, is what they’re saying. And then so the fifth one is you don’t see your options. So when we have the choices as not seeing them, so we automatically move away from discomfort, usually in ways that are not helpful in the long run healthy.

Brilliant Miller [00:38:07] That to me that’s totally congruent with you don’t have a plan. Like if you have a plan.

Dean Miles [00:38:12] Yeah.

Brilliant Miller [00:38:13] Everything becomes like you can use anything toward the realization of your of your goal.

Dean Miles [00:38:19] Yeah. You know. Yeah. Otherwise it, you know, I have a plan and it’s just, you know, I don’t have any options. They just say it is what it is. And then the last one, you lack accountability. Until the more. To invite people into your lives to help with the change process. And I mean that there’s coaching 1 to 1. So one of the best things you can do to keep yourself going is to join others who are on the same journey.

Brilliant Miller [00:38:46] Yeah, I totally agree. I mean, that’s the whole Buddhist thing of the same, huh? The community, you know, dealing with people in and now on to me is interesting because. Like if you look, I can’t name any offhand right now, but there are examples and this is throughout probably every industry that people come together and whether they’re writers, whether they’re film directors, whether they’re visual, you know, painters or other visual artists. And then it’s like there’s a circle, like a coffee group or a book club or something, and then like half of them become household names, you know? But the other half are more in many other clubs and groups besides, they never become famous or successful, quote unquote successful. So I think what I’m trying to say with this is, yeah, I think there’s some value very much there’s some value in joining with other like minded people who are striving for what you are. But there’s also the possibility of falling into the like, ain’t it awful club.

Dean Miles [00:39:41] Like, oh, we’d all be.

Brilliant Miller [00:39:42] All day. We’re some day we’re all going to make it.

Dean Miles [00:39:45] You know? Yeah, yeah. So choose wisely. Yeah. Know, misery does love company.

Brilliant Miller [00:39:53] Yeah. And I never heard the saying until I interviewed someone who’s in the MGE 100, also, David Burks.

Dean Miles [00:40:01] Oh, yeah, yeah. Tulsa, Oklahoma. Yeah.

Brilliant Miller [00:40:05] But David was the one who said to me, he said, Show me your friends and I’ll show you your future. It’s like, I never heard that before. Yeah. And I think there’s a lot of wisdom in that. And then back to that exact point of view, lack accountability. That’s profound. I mean, just verbalizing, like having a plan, saying something out loud and writing a goal. And that’s the story in Thinking Grow Rich were Charles Schwab to the I think it was a steel factory and they had no quote, they had no goals.

Dean Miles [00:40:31] Right.

Brilliant Miller [00:40:32] And then he wrote a number on the concrete with a piece of chalk. And then all of a sudden the productivity went up simply because they had a goal. Yes. And they wanted to beat it. But then in our lives, like so, the power of declaring something, stating it publicly, quantifying it, and then having some kind of accountability structure that’s going to help keep us true.

Dean Miles [00:40:52] Right. Yeah. And to avoid these little nuance excuses like the weather.

Brilliant Miller [00:40:58] That’s right.

Dean Miles [00:41:00] Because, Ben, if you can’t get past that and these other wise things don’t even really come into play. Yeah, not even a little bit. Okay. I’m so curious. What did you find? Would you fast?

Brilliant Miller [00:41:10] So what I found was in Success magazine. So my wisdom of the pages this month comes from Success magazine. And the article was it featured the former monk, now bestselling author and coach Jay Shetty.

Dean Miles [00:41:25] Mm hmm.

Brilliant Miller [00:41:26] Who wrote the book Think Like a Monk? And the article was all about Jay Shetty and building a personal brand. So this kind of I guess could cover the be a Greek recognition of money falls under the UN recognition money.

Dean Miles [00:41:42] Right.

Brilliant Miller [00:41:43] The things that stood out to me about this I thought was pretty, pretty interesting distinction. So in the article is one of these that was almost like a profile where, you know, the author of the article was with Jay during a photo shoot. And earlier that day they’d been in New York City and Jay had been on the Today show, and then they were in this event space where Jay is getting his hair done and, you know, like he’s able to talk while they’re prepping for this photo shoot. And in this article, the author describes that Jay, when he was on The Today Show, he he’s asked by the producers, what’s up? What do you want us to put on your lower third? What do you want us to put? In other words, what do you want us to put on the screen when we have the little overlay that describes who you are? Right. And. They put something like mindfulness expert and bestselling author. And Jay talked about how those are really vehicles. What he wishes they would have put instead was his purpose, which is to help. I think Jay’s purpose, he said, was to help. It was some number. I forget the number. It’s like 100,000 people or a million people find their purpose. That’s. JS That’s evidently that’s Jay’s purpose at the moment or where he’s declared okay. But I thought this was interesting that he distinguished between describing oneself in terms of one’s purpose and in terms of one’s role or title and seeing that title or that role as merely a vehicle for the purpose.

Dean Miles [00:43:21] Okay, I can I can get there.

Brilliant Miller [00:43:25] So I’ve thought on this, I’ve thought a lot on this, like when I studied with Jack Canfield more than ten years ago. And Jack, you know, he teaches these foundational concepts of personal growth and good living and so forth. And of course, purpose is one of the modules. And I wrote this big flowery statement. He had this process to go through and articulate your life purpose. And I did. And I used it for years and years. And then it wasn’t until the last couple of years that I thought, what if my purpose was just to be happy and help others be happy? What if that was it at any moment? And what I love about a purpose is that, again, kind of like that conversation that whether doesn’t derail the purpose.

Dean Miles [00:44:04] Right.

Brilliant Miller [00:44:04] You know, external circumstances don’t need to do it. But in any moment, that purpose is available to me. Now some conditions or situations make it harder to be happy.

Dean Miles [00:44:15] Right?

Brilliant Miller [00:44:16] Or maybe to help others be happy. But for me, I just thought, man, that could be that could be a pretty cool life purpose.

Dean Miles [00:44:23] I like that. I coached to this idea of you should have a goal for every conversation. Do you think that’s possible for you? And if you did, what? What would it. What is it like? What would be the default goal for every conversation.

Brilliant Miller [00:44:42] Man? Immediately. What I think of is there’s at least three kinds of conversations, because there’s the kind of conversation I just want to enjoy. I just want to interact with someone. I want to relate with them. I might want to show them they’re important to me. I love them, I care about them, that kind of thing. But at the core of that kind of conversation, I just want to enjoy it. Then there’s conversations where I want to learn something or I want to become something. I want to know, How did you sell so many books or How did you start your podcast? So there’s like these conversations that there’s a there’s very much an outcome I’m looking for. Right, right. That’s I would say it’s self-interest. It’s like I want like I said, I want to I want to be able to produce a result in the world. I want to become something that I’m not currently. I want to solve a problem. I have that kind of thing. But then there’s another kind of conversation that’s like. That is a result in the world. It’s not necessarily about me becoming something or achieving something, but it’s a result in the world. Like, Hey, you know, please quit using single service plastic items and then throwing them in a landfill or.

Dean Miles [00:45:41] Yeah, you.

Brilliant Miller [00:45:41] Know, please quit. Or employees just might be like, Please, please quit stealing my office supplies or something.

Dean Miles [00:45:51] Right?

Brilliant Miller [00:45:51] You know? But I think there’s I think there’s at least those three came that kind of I enjoy the kind where I learn and grow and the kind where I produce some kind of result in the world.

Dean Miles [00:46:02] I really like how you came up with that so quickly. The common theme where I thought you were going to go was how you started with your life purpose. So state your life purpose to get around happy.

Brilliant Miller [00:46:12] So if I and I haven’t adopted this wholeheartedly, like when I show up, when I wrote about it in the morning, boom, this is present. And I’m focused on it as I go throughout every activity, every day. But I did think, what if my purpose was simply. To be happy and to help others be happy.

Dean Miles [00:46:30] And now to do that and those three dominant types of conversations. Because I think it’s possible. And that’s what I love. I love that very much. And I would say I’ve had. I’ve had two of those three conversations. I don’t know if I’ve had that third conversation with you to me, but how I experiencing how I experience you is that purpose that you just described. Well, thank you, Dave. You’re welcome. I got even when we were in Salt Lake City after going out for my hike and we were looking for hydration and we ended up going into the wrong place. Right. So we were looking for information. But even then, we showed up in your life purpose of being happy and making someone else feel happy. That’s very meaningful. You know, be it a waitress, the valet, or someone who’s extremely important. And to build it out, yeah, it makes a tremendous difference. And your consistency in doing that is what makes it so true.

Brilliant Miller [00:47:43] Well. Well, thank you. Yeah, I appreciate it. This article, this reminder, you know, from Jay as someone that I think is a pretty remarkable teacher and ultimately, I think Success magazine was looking for a way to feature him while delivering value to readers beyond just. We got to spend some time with Jay Shetty. So wrap it around this building a personal brand. And then they asked Jay toward the end of the article, it was written know what was his take on this? And what he said was interesting. It’s pretty high level. So, you know, it’s a it’s a concept or a framework that might be valuable to people listening. I haven’t, like, wrestled with it, so it’s not supremely valuable to me. But I’d love to talk with you for a few minutes here. What he said is he said that he thinks in terms when it comes to building a brand and specifically when it comes to creating content, because content and a brand are almost inseparable.

Dean Miles [00:48:43] Not great.

Brilliant Miller [00:48:44] Not necessarily ordering right. Is he said he thinks in these three and these three dimensions he didn’t use the word dimension but genre role and formats. And what he means by that is he says, look, the genre that there’s five basic feelings that every successful meaning every viral piece of content has. This is his right. It’s his opinion. So I’m just kind of relating this. Partly to explore the idea, partly in the hope it might be useful to someone. But Jay’s contention is that that every successful piece of content we create has one of five feelings that it delivers adventure, humor, inspiration, emotion or surprise. I don’t know what emotion is. It’s what moving. Because I would I don’t know. It could be sad, could be uplifting, but then it would be an inspiration. Right? So adventure, humor, inspiration, emotion or surprise, that’s his contention. But then you go, okay, so you’re creating a piece of content aiming at eliciting or creating an emotion and one of these five emotions. Then he says, then there’s.

Dean Miles [00:49:56] It’s evocative.

Brilliant Miller [00:49:58] Yeah, it’s evocative. Right. And then he says, there’s a role. And the role is whatever draws your attention or uses your talents. And we all get to figure this out for ourselves. Is it interviewing people? Is it writing words? Is it creating? Is it taking pictures or creating other art, you know, through technology or something else? So then what’s the role that you’re using as you attempt to evoke those feelings? And then what’s the format? So there’s a role that you take, but there’s a format that your work follows, whether it’s on a stage, whether it’s scripted, whether it’s unscripted, whether it’s a blog, whether it’s an interview. Right? This kind of thing. So the assertion is that once we. And once we find the role that we play and the format that is going to allow us to then bring those feelings to people, then we’ll have the chance to create this content that will be our brand. And here’s the statement right here. So the magazine writes the author. Says Once you choose. No. It says choose the right format for your role or vice versa, and drive toward one of those five elemental sensations and you will have created a brand. And then Jay says, You’re not thinking about how you’re perceived. You’re thinking about how does someone feel after they engage with who you are. That’s what a brand is. A brand is how someone else feels about. How you engage. I was like, that’s pretty that’s pretty interesting. Is it?

Dean Miles [00:51:40] It is very interesting. I’ve taken my notes and I’m now it’s got me thinking about your lighting versus my lighting, your background versus my background, the type of people you and I attract, how they’re similar, how they’re different, the type of audiences we have.

Brilliant Miller [00:52:00] Got, what they want.

Dean Miles [00:52:01] Right, what they want and how we want them to feel. Of those five adventure, humor, inspiration, emotion and surprise, those are the five.

Brilliant Miller [00:52:12] That’s what. Yeah, adventure. That’s right. Adventure, humor, inspiration, emotion and surprise.

Dean Miles [00:52:19] Which one of those most closely. Jump start to you. Me? I know there’s a whole lot of. But it depends. But which one do you think is. You know the answer. What is that for me? Yeah.

Brilliant Miller [00:52:32] Of well, the one that appeals to me most personally and the one that I hope my work delivers to others is inspiration.

Dean Miles [00:52:41] Yeah, no doubt about it.

Brilliant Miller [00:52:46] What about you?

Dean Miles [00:52:47] Adventure and humor. I mean, you know. Well, yes. I mean, what I love about even, you know, this brick wall is just it’s just the comedy type scene.

Brilliant Miller [00:52:59] Yeah, it does look a bit like a standup.

Dean Miles [00:53:02] Yeah. When I get asked that question, you know, what’s the what would you love to do if money wasn’t necessary? I mean, I’d love to be a standup comic. I love adventure. I love inspiration, too. I like all of these. But I think my I think my brand is adventure and humor.

Brilliant Miller [00:53:23] I could see that.

Dean Miles [00:53:24] You know, my tagline and or my purpose is to inspire insight and perspective that has real meaning. Right. My proposition to choose it for you. Of what should you do? But I’ll do whatever is necessary. Be the fool if necessary, to inspire insight and shift perspective. No, I love that. If that’s my purpose, I love that.

Brilliant Miller [00:53:51] I, I think you’re I think you there. I think, though, I would add to or so. And maybe this is implicit in what you’re saying, but there is for me, like when I kind of read your brand, so to speak.

Dean Miles [00:54:05] Mm hmm.

Brilliant Miller [00:54:05] I think there service a contribution or impact? I think that’s something that that’s evident with you in part of what’s there really that I think is care.

Dean Miles [00:54:16] Yeah. You know, I think that, you know, my theory, you know, these may be present for the first time, but adventure advocacy and all that advocacy part, that service side to bring a voice to assist a partner that’s really deep inside of me. Yeah.

Brilliant Miller [00:54:33] I know.

Dean Miles [00:54:33] That.

Brilliant Miller [00:54:35] Well, this I think this was some of the pages was I enjoyed it and I’m grateful that we did it. Whether it’s how we can know and maybe better quit lying to ourselves. Or what’s about personal branding? So. So I thought that was cool. And then I know we’re just about at the end of our time, so. What shall we end with? So we have something we normally end with. I know we didn’t get through everything, but you just.

Dean Miles [00:55:03] Just you. Three questions, you know, around the. Living a better life or recognition of.

Brilliant Miller [00:55:11] How to live a good life, how to earn recognition in money, and how to be a great coach. And we’ve covered a lot of that, I think, and conversation already. But with anything that that brings up for you, Dean, what would you like? What’s maybe our final thoughts or what would we like to leave people listening with?

Dean Miles [00:55:30] Something that’s been on my mind. Hearing a lot about emotions. And what do we do with these emotions and just these roles and the genres and adventure and humor and inspiration, surprise and emotion. Here’s what Plato would argue. The emotions were a source of disorder and should be controlled by the rational part of the soul. Mm hmm. And then Aristotle agreed and then went on to say that the irrational passions are like disease, which, in fact, the soul. I hope that’s not how we see it today. So I think there’s something to do to lean into this highly sensitive person. Brené Brown talks about these 84 emotions. And most of us in our in our daily activity can identify with three or four of them. That’s leaving 80 of them outside of our reach. Let’s don’t do that. I think as coaches, to be able to inspire and shift perspective and invite them into who they can be. We’ve got to get more comfortable with these emotions. They’re not a disease. They’re not to be rationed or rationalized away. Well, you can get comfortable with those and finding your true expression in that in that emotion. Emotional. We’ll. I’m trying to get better at that. I hope you’re trying to get better as a listener. Yeah.

Brilliant Miller [00:57:04] Yeah, that that’s powerful. I heard it said once that emotion is life, right? And that emotion is what moves us. Right. That same root of and I think the Latin emotion in those there, which is like to move out is the same root as emotion. And looking at the emotion as something that has a message and that has a motivation and honoring that and not trying to shut it up or deny it. You know, I think that’s I think that’s a really beautiful and really beautiful message. I think it’s important for our own health and enjoyment. Because some emotions are their own reward. Just feeling gratitude, feeling joy, feeling playfulness or curiosity. Other emotions are painful, but if we interpret those as, Hey, there’s a message here and even a gift.

Dean Miles [00:57:52] Yeah, so good emotion is lifelong. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. What a great a great way to end.

Brilliant Miller [00:58:01] Yeah. And the thing that I would say to that I think goes right along with what you’re saying is about and this to me, it even transcends the, the. Jay Shetty The genre role, the format like all this is, is this is authenticity and it’s an overused word, but allowing ourselves to be ourself, you know, in public and private. And we won’t always be the same, the exact same person in every moment, in every situation, with every group of people. But that there is an essence to us and there is a truth inside us that is seeking expression and being willing to share that with other people, you know, for its own sake, for our own sake. This is the thing Derrick DAVIES says I love. He talks about how our ego.

Dean Miles [00:58:45] Is.

Brilliant Miller [00:58:45] Always at odds with our art and that our ego is intended to keep us safe. But our art is seeking expression and that we will never become self realized or self-actualized without making our art, without putting into the work, because it’s the truest expression of who we are. And I love his description of that. His ego is like the shell that his art is trying to break out of. It is self is trying to break out.

Dean Miles [00:59:08] Yeah, great imagery.

Brilliant Miller [00:59:11] It’s really, really a beautiful thing and being willing to allow that part of ourselves to be seen and, and whatever those emotions are that are driving it and not to make ourselves wrong for any emotion that we feel. You know, because all emotion this was something that I heard, too, about every emotion. All emotions are human. They’re not always all healthy, but at a time. Every emotion is healthy. Every emotion is appropriate. Now there’s times that we can get stuck in patterns of emotion and they can become dysfunctional. They can become healthy. But allowing ourselves and John Wineland, by the way, this was a thing in that workshop back to John Wineland, he said, I’m on the other side of any emotion. Felt fully is peace. And it’s when we don’t allow ourselves to feel the depth, whatever it is that’s yearning to be felt, that we get trapped in these like modes of existence that are less than less than fulfilling. Less than peaceful.

Dean Miles [01:00:07] Amazing. Brilliant. Thank you. Thank you. Today.

Brilliant Miller [01:00:13] Yeah, it was my pleasure. And I know we’re at the very, very end of our time. And I have another project that I want to ask you about, and maybe we can even shift some of these if we keep going. So let’s talk more about what the future of the coach’s commonplace book is. And I want to talk with you about one project in particular. I’m interested in pursuing that maybe you can be a part of or an accountability partner for me and or something like that.

Dean Miles [01:00:34] I’m intrigued. I’m leaning in my friend.

Brilliant Miller [01:00:37] Okay, well, next time, that’s the teaser. All right. We’ll talk again soon. So thank you, Dana. And thank you, everyone. Listen.